Jackson For President

Jackson here. I’m pleased to announce my candidacy for President of the United States... in 2040. I plan to run as a member of the Whig Party, like one of my favorite presidents, William Henry Harrison. "Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too" makes me chuckle...

My platform will include introducing legislation that requires all US citizens to say hello to everyone they encounter, the installation of a McDonald's-style play area on the south lawn of the White House, and universal health care.

After studying presidents for many weeks, I feel I have the knowledge and can-do attitude to do the job - at least as well as Millard Fillmore, Warren Harding, or Herbert Hoover. I'm 5 years old, and I can tell those guys were clowns.

I already have many things going for me. A ne'er-do-well brother in the tradition of Billy Carter and Roger Clinton. I can read AND write, doubling the intellectual abilities of at least half-a-dozen men who have been president. And I plan on still being a white guy in 2040, which will make me around the 50th consecutive caucasian male to hold the job.

I will, of course, have to overcome a family background that offers no entree into the circle of modern political power. But I have a sense I'll be pretty accomplished at overcoming family issues by the time I'm 39 years old, so this shouldn't be a problem.

Why am I announcing my candidacy now, you may ask? Because I need to start fundraising, as the cost of running a campaign in 33 years will probably be several billion dollars. And I currently have about $23 in my piggy/truck banks.