Your Toddler This Week!

Jackson here. I discovered something fascinating the other day as I was hacking into Mom's computer. Apparently, ever since we kids were born, Mom has been getting these emails telling us what her kids should -- or should not -- be doing. They're called "Your Baby (or Toddler or Child) This Week."

These emails have titles like "Freedom To Explore" and "Words Or Wordlike Sounds." They come complete with plenty of exclamation points ("enjoy your child's wanderings, but don't let them get too far ahead!!!!") as well as helpful advice ("now that your one-year old is becoming more independent, don't forget to take some time to enjoy spending time with your spouse!!!")

These weekly emails are great, except for one problem -- they're complete and utter fiction. Donovan, for example, doesn't do any of the things they're talking about.

So, for Mom and Dad's sake, I watched Donovan today and wrote down what he did, and then emailed it to them, putting it in the same style so they wouldn't know it was me.

Here's what I sent:

Your Toddler This Week: Peeing On The Porch
Your toddler is undoubtedly enjoying his time exploring his new world. He's up on his feet and pointing at objects he wants, and maybe even speaking a few words. Good for you, you've kept him alive for almost 13 months!!!

While you were probably hoping he'd point at you, smile, and identify you as a parent, well, you're out of luck. He's too busy taking his socks off and putting his dirt-encrusted toes in his mouth and then saying "Da-da." That's right, the taste of toe cheese and topsoil makes him think of good ol' Dad.

And how about those beautiful molars!! They're as big as marbles and feel like someone's turning a woodscrew in Baby's gums!!! Have a good night's sleep? Yeah, right! 4:30 AM rolls around and it sounds like a Harley convention coming through your baby monitor: "AAAAARRGRGRGRGRGRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!... (pause for deep inhale)... AAAAARRGRGRGRGRGRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

And now that he's walking, he's able to do things like take off his own diaper and pee right on the back porch! Isn't that wonderful? No more time-consuming trips to the changing table!

You're so fortunate to have an intelligent, independent three-year old who has ABSOLUTELY NO BAD HABITS!

What you should do is go to this three-year old immediately and ask him if he wants some ice cream, let him watch an extra movie, and then never again make him sleep alone!!!

Here's some extra research you can do to further reward your much-favored child:
Toys-R-Us
Thomas The Tank Engine Store
Derek Jeter Bobblehead (to replace one that may be broken!)